Ask the MH girls the questions you can’t ask anyone else. They’re three women who speak their mind, so don’t expect sugar-coated answers. Today we ask: How can I convince my girlfriend not to be worried about my female best friend?
Lizza: This is a hard one.
Harriet: It depends on what the problem is from her point of view. Is it that the female bestie is taking up a lot of his time? Or is she just jealous of her? If this friend is always around, that’s going to be annoying, because as a girlfriend you want to spend a lot of one-on-one time with your boyfriend.
Lizza: Yeah, because for me, I feel that my husband is also my best friend. So, if he had another woman as his best friend, I’d be like, Why? Aren’t we supposed to be best friends?
Lucy: Relationships need to evolve. With the bestie, it can’t be that relationship anymore where you’re talking to each other all the time and do all those fun things together, because now you’ve got a new and special person in your life. The bestie can still be in your life, but in a reduced role.
Lizza: She becomes more of a straightforward friend, and no longer the number one confidante.
Lucy: Exactly. Her days as the number one confidante need to end. Like, now.
Lizza: But then, as the girlfriend, I’d still be thinking, What is it between those two that we, my partner and I, don’t have?
Lucy: I think that takes us back to the question of how does he convince her that there’s nothing going on, that all is okay. I feel like it’s a case of showing her rather than telling her. I mean, if there’s nothing going on, then hang out as a group and the girlfriend will soon realise that there’s nothing going on. And the reason I say that is because when I met my boyfriend, two of his best friends were his ex-girlfriends. And, at first, I was like, What the fuck? This is so weird. But then, as time passed, they’ve never, ever made me feel insecure. And so, I just kind of learnt that it was fine and it was normal. It is actually probably a really nice thing that a guy can be friends with other girls and have a relationship with the opposite sex without it being sexual.
Harriet: That said, I don’t buy the argument that it’s good he has a female best friend because he has access to an additional female perspective.
Lucy: Actually, I disagree, Harriet. I reckon that is useful so long as he’s not constantly using the best friend as a sounding board. Like, I wouldn’t want my boyfriend grizzling about our fights to his female best friend. Do you know what I mean?
Harriet: But why would you ever want him to go to a best friend about something rather than to you?
Lucy: Well, no, hopefully he would come to me. But I feel it’s healthy to have a varied and diverse friendship group. I don’t see a problem with a guy having female friends because, really, they’re just mates. They’re not love interests.
Lizza: Yep. There’s a difference between having female friends . . .
Harriet: And having a best friend that he goes to for big things. The girlfriend, I think, will just need some reassurance. And after that it always comes
down to trust.