DATING IN THE modern world can be hard enough without having to worry about trends that might blindside your attempts to find ‘the one’. You’ve heard of Ghosting, and maybe even experienced Throning, but one trend that has been happening right under our noses is Pocketing. Say what now? Yes, pocketing is a worrying trend that you may not have heard of before because it’s been flying under the radar.
What is pocketing?
Put simply, pocketing is when your partner keeps you hidden from their social world, or, ahem, keeps you in their back pocket. It’s as if you’re there in the relationship, but not really visible to anyone else but them. You’re dating, maybe even exclusive, but to the rest of their life, you might as well be invisible. No social media posts, no meetups with their friends, and forget about family introductions. Basically, it feels as if it is a secret relationship.
Why might someone might ‘pocket’ you
Now, before you start questioning every relationship you’ve ever had in your life, let’s break this down. Pocketing isn’t always as sinister as it sounds. Sometimes, it’s just a case of mismatched expectations or someone wanting to take things slow. There’s even a chance you yourself have been dipping your feet in the world of pocketing in the past, unsure if you’re ready to show off that new partner yet. Not because you don’t really, really like them, but maybe you already have experienced “amazing relationships” that you feel sure of only to find yourself having to sheepishly explain to friends and family and take down pictures on your social accounts after it goes south soon after.
So, when is pocketing really pocketing and not just someone wanting to take it slow? Well, the human mind is a complex beast, and there are a few psychological reasons behind this behaviour. Fear of judgment is a big one. Your partner might be worried about how you’ll be perceived by their social circle. Maybe they think their friends won’t approve, they’re not sure how you’ll fit into their family dynamic, or maybe even their family is still mourning their ex. Another important reason is that sometimes they may want to give a relationship ample time without the undue influence of friends, family or the complexity of shared relationships (so that they can be more confident that the relationship has passed previous milestones of endurance). It’s not exactly a vote of confidence, but it’s not always personal either.
Then there’s the uncertainty factor. Some people are just commitment-phobes, plain and simple. Keeping you separate from the rest of their life is a way of keeping one foot out the door. It’s like they’re saying, “I like you, but I’m not sure I like you enough to risk my friends giving me shit about it”. And let’s not forget about independence. In this age of self-care and personal growth, some folks are terrified of losing their identity in a relationship. Keeping you pocketed is their way of maintaining that precious personal space. Sure, it’s not ideal, but it’s not necessarily a deal-breaker, either. For most of us though, especially when we’ve been in a relationship for at least six months or more, not having been introduced to friends or family should raise concerns.
How do you know if you’re being pocketed?
Well, if you’ve been dating for a while and you still feel like you’re on the outskirts of your partner’s life, that’s a pretty big clue. If they dodge questions about meeting their friends or family, or if they never post about you on social media (in an age where people share what they had for breakfast), those are some serious red flags. But let’s call them orange flags because as we mentioned earlier, it really is hard to tell the difference between pocketing and someone wanting to take it slow. Because the truth is, pocketing isn’t always malicious. Sometimes, it’s just a case of different expectations. The key is to figure out what’s really going on. That means you’re going to have to do something that strikes fear into the hearts of men everywhere: communicate (yes, I know, what a stereotype)!
What to do if you think you’re being pocketed
Now, before you break out in a cold sweat, hear me out. You don’t have to sit your partner down for a serious “talk”, especially if you are still in the early stages of a relationship. If you have been seeing each other for three months or less, you can just casually bring it up in conversation. Something like, “Hey, your friend Sally sounds cool. When do you think I’ll get to meet her?” Their response will tell you a lot. If they get excited about the idea, you’re probably in the clear. But if they start making excuses or get weirdly defensive, well… Houston, we might have a problem. When the relationship has now established itself as something more serious, in your mind and heart at least, and you are definitely eager, comfortable and perhaps have already introduced them to your circle, let them know that you do need to discuss this. It may be a good time to have a talk that explicitly allows them to hear your relationship expectations and goals.
This doesn’t mean pressure, this means letting them know that being a part of your life, and being a part of your social group is meaningful. It is how you envision a healthy rewarding relationship. Ask them about their relationship goals and visions around shared relationships and why they have not introduced you to their circle.
If you do come to the realisation you’re being pocketed, don’t panic. Take a deep breath and remember – this isn’t necessarily the end of the road. Express how you’re feeling without throwing accusations around. Use “I” statements, like “I feel left out when I don’t get to meet your friends” instead of “You never let me meet your friends”. This approach is less likely to put them in defensive mode and more likely to lead to a productive conversation. Then, really listen to their response. Are they surprised and apologetic? That’s a good sign. Maybe they didn’t realise how their actions were affecting you. Or are they dismissive or making more excuses? Well, that’s… less good.
Their reaction will give you valuable insight into their motivations and the potential future of your relationship. It’s also crucial to consider how being pocketed is affecting your mental health. Feeling hidden or unacknowledged can do a real number on your self-esteem. If you find yourself constantly questioning your worth or the status of your relationship, it might be time to reevaluate whether this is really what you want.
Remember, a healthy relationship involves mutual respect, open communication, and a willingness to integrate each other into your lives. While there’s no universal timeline for when introductions to friends and family should happen, both partners should ideally be on the same page about the progression of the relationship.
What to do next
If you’ve had the conversation, given it some time, and things still haven’t changed, it might be time to make a tough decision. Ask yourself: is this relationship meeting your needs? Are you happy with the current situation? If the answer is no, it might be time to sadly cut your losses and move on. In the end, you deserve a partner who’s proud to have you by their side, not one who keeps you hidden away like last season’s fashion faux pas. Don’t settle for being someone’s secret.
Dr. Maria-Elena Lukeides is a highly experienced clinical psychologist based in Sydney, with over 25 years of expertise in the field of psychology. Find out more at drmariaelenalukeides.com.au or follow her on Instagram at drmariaelena_lukeides
