EVER FELT YOUR confidence slip away just when it matters most? Performance anxiety in the bedroom is more common than you thin – and it can happen to anyone. You might worry about lasting longer, keeping an erection, or whether you’re meeting your partner’s expectations. By shifting your focus and learning a few simple techniques, you can ditch the pressure, boost your confidence, and set the stage for truly unforgettable sex – for both of you.
What is performance anxiety?
Performance anxiety is the voice in the back of your mind whispering, What if I mess this up? What if she’s had better? – and the more you tune into it, the harder it gets to stay in the moment and actually enjoy yourself.
Ironically that voice can just about guarantee sex won’t go the way you want it to.
It can show up in different ways, like:
- Struggling to get or keep an erection
- Finishing too fast – or not at all
- Dodging intimacy altogether because the fear of “failing” feels too big to face
Performance anxiety sucks. It hijacks your pleasure and keeps you from connecting with your partner.
The pressure to know it all
If you’ve ever experienced performance anxiety, it’s not surprising. It’s a pretty consistent topic in my role as a couples therapist, sexologist and sex therapist – just about every man I’ve ever spoken to about sex has felt it at some point.
And it’s not surprising. There’s an unfair expectation placed on men to just know what to do in the bedroom – no questions, no doubt. Society tells us that you should be confident, skilled, and ready to perform at all times… oh and with a great body and ‘adequate size’, too.
What actually makes great sex?
The science is clear on this (thank god for research) – great sex isn’t about being perfect. What really makes great sex is being present, connected, and willing to explore together.
You don’t need all the answers. Most women aren’t looking for perfection; they’re looking for connection. They want you to be attentive, responsive, and open to figuring out what feels good for both of you.
The myth of ‘normal’ sex
The reality is that what we think is ‘normal’ sex often isn’t. Thanks to movies, TV, and porn, we’re left believing the myth that sex has to last for hours or that you need to be ‘on’ 100 per cent of the time. In reality:
- Erections naturally come and go – it’s normal
- The average time for penetrative sex is around 7 minutes
- Most women care more about foreplay (and we need at least 20 minutes of it), connection, and how present you are than how long you last
- The majority of women don’t orgasm from penetration sex alone – they often need increased foreplay or direct clitoral stimulation to tip them ‘over the edge’
Understanding these facts can help you let go of unrealistic expectations and focus on what really matters.
Practical steps to overcome performance anxiety
Ready to take the pressure off and enjoy sex again? Here are some steps to help:
Shift your focus: Stop worrying about being perfect and start focusing on being present. Sex is about connection, not a performance.
Relax your mind: anxiety lives in your head. Deep breathing exercises can help calm your nerves and bring you back to the moment.
Talk about it: communication is a game-changer. Let your partner know how you’re feeling –they’re likely to be more understanding than you think.
Take your time: take the focus off penetration and enjoy everything else, from kissing to foreplay. The release of hormones and endorphins this creates can help you both feel more relaxed and connected.
Educate yourself: none of us are born just knowing what to do around sex. Learning about your partner’s anatomy and the different ways women experience pleasure can add to your toolkit and ease your mind.
Get professional support: if performance anxiety feels overwhelming, talking to a therapist or sexologist can help – it’s literally what we do
Performance anxiety doesn’t have to keep you out of the game. Focus less on being perfect and more on staying present, connected, and confident.
Related:
Can Watching Too Much Porn Give You Erectile Dysfunction?
How to Diagnose Your Erectile Dysfunction Without Setting Foot In a Doctor’s Office
