YOU’VE GOT GUESTS coming over so you’re getting things tidied up around the house when you come upon the overflowing recycling bin, and you distinctly recall asking your partner to empty that yesterday, and now there’s a Jenga-style crash of jam jars and plastic packets all over the joint – what are your thoughts about your partner?
I’m going to speculate that they’re not positive thoughts.
What’s happening with your judgment about the other person is one of the core thinking biases that can destroy relationships, and even lead to unnecessary, possibly dangerous conflict with strangers?
Luckily, it’s one of those things that once you know it’s there, you can actively start to work at it.
The highway revelation
You’re on the highway, listening to your favourite podcast, nodding along in agreement when the car ahead cuts you off without so much as a blinker. It’s unexpected, it’s dangerous, you might even have kids in the car – your blood boils, and you immediately think, “What a self-centred, inconsiderate prick!” And now you’ve got this shot of adrenaline and cortisol flooding through you, making you less likely to concentrate on what else is coming at you at 110kmh.
There’s a name for that. It’s called the Fundamental Attribution Error (FAE). This happens when we attribute our own behaviour to situational factors while attributing others’ behaviour to their character or personality.
When someone else stuffs up, we often blame it on a fundamental flaw in their personality, a horrendous defect of character. But when we make the same mistake? Oh no – it’s all about the circumstances.
I like to name thinking traps like this so that I can notice them a bit easier. This one is simply “I have reasons, you have excuses”.
In moments like I’ve just described we’re making a call based on incomplete information. We don’t have a clue what’s going on in the life of the person who cut us off on the road, but we’re quick to assume the worst about them. What if that bloke was rushing to the hospital because his wife’s in labour? What if he just got a call that his dad’s had a heart attack?
It happens because out in the world, we’re the main character in the movie and all the strangers around us are the extras. We’ve got a whole script, the motivation for our action, the plan for what needs to happen – but we only see the outsides of everyone else, and in a pinch we will make some pretty unfair judgments as to why they do what they do. That, and the fact that it’s a remnant of an ancient survival trait which tends to treat unknowns as threatening.
When it hits home
Closer to home though – it’s important to understand that if it’s left unchecked, the fundamental attribution error can absolutely destroy relationships.
Let’s say your partner’s been promising to do the dishes all week, but it’s now Wednesday and they’re still piled up in the sink. It’s easy to jump to conclusions and think, “They don’t respect me, they don’t pull their weight, they take me for granted, I don’t matter to them, they’re a selfish arsehole.”
But what if they’ve been dealing with a bunch of stuff you don’t know about? Maybe there’s some stuff going on in their family group chat. Maybe they’ve been up all night worrying about their mum’s health.
When we automatically assume the worst about our partner’s motives, it can create a toxic cycle of resentment and misunderstanding, followed by poor behaviour on our part because ‘they deserve it after the way they treat me’.
And if you don’t get ahead of it, you can slip into something called “negative sentiment override” – which is a similar survival trait, however it can absolutely destroy a relationship at home, at work – or on a macro scale, pull a community apart.
A critical distinction
Before we go any further, I just want to be absolutely clear. I’m talking about when an otherwise healthy relationship has become unhealthy. When enough tiny unhealed ruptures between two people who otherwise care about each other have accumulated to a point when one of them will genuinely say “thank you” and the other one will genuinely think “they must want something”.
I am definitely not discussing any kind of controlling behaviour, emotional manipulation, or gaslighting. If you need to call a helpline like 1800 RESPECT to chat through the situation and see if something else might be going on, please do.
The dark glasses effect
So, if you find yourself stuck in the place of “I have reasons, you have excuses” for long enough, you can end up with negative sentiment override – where positive or even neutral behaviours from your partner get filtered through a negative lens and interpreted as problematic.
It’s like wearing dark-tinted glasses that make everything look dim – even genuinely caring actions get reframed as manipulative, insincere, or inadequate. When your partner brings you coffee, instead of appreciating the gesture, you might think “They’re only doing this because they feel guilty” or “This doesn’t make up for what they did yesterday.”
Your amygdala – the part of your brain that keeps you safe from threats – can start treating your partner like they’re dangerous. Every interaction triggers “DANGER!” even if they’re just asking what you want to watch with them.
This can affect your memory too. Your brain starts remembering negative things super clearly while good memories get fuzzy or even rewritten. That amazing weekend away three months ago? Your brain edits it to focus on the one small argument instead of all the fun parts.
Finding your way back
The good news? You can actually rewire this stuff if you’re willing to work at it.
First, calm down. You cannot think clearly when your brain is in threat mode. Take slow, deep breaths. Meditate. Go for a run. Whatever gets your nervous system to slow down.
Here’s my favourite circuit breaker in this instance – when you automatically think something negative about another, force yourself to come up with three generous explanations. They didn’t text back? Maybe they’re in a meeting, they might be driving, they are possibly doing some meditating of their own. Your worst assumption is as real as any of those ideas, so just try to consider another possibility.
Another important skill to build up is to deliberately look for positive things your partner does and acknowledge them. Write them down. Keep notes in your phone if it helps. Your brain needs evidence that contradicts its negative narrative, and you have to actively feed it that evidence.
Think you know exactly why they did something? Ask them. Do your best to believe them. So many fights happen because someone’s sure they know what their partner was thinking – and they’re often totally off track.
When your partner does something good, even something tiny, say something positive. This rewires both of your brains toward more positive interactions.
The bottom line
Negative Sentiment Override isn’t a character flaw. It’s your brain trying to protect you, but it’s using a chainsaw when you need a scalpel. The key is recognising when it’s happening and actively working against it.
If you are being given reasons and only hearing excuses – it might be worth considering that you’re stuck in this place, and the Fundamental Attribution Error has morphed into Negative Sentiment Override. You’re seeing and appreciating a version of your world that might not actually be what it is.
The good news is that your brain created these negative patterns, and you can create healthier ones, too. Sometimes relationships really are toxic and your suspicions are valid. But if you put the work in, and you’re thinking clearly instead of just reacting, it can start to make driving a lot more pleasant, make your home life easier and maybe – just maybe – change the way you see the world around you.
Because that person who cut you off? They might just be having the worst day of their life. And your partner who forgot the recycling? They might just be human, doing their best with what they’ve got.
Just like you.
