The question: I am a lover of public play and the thrill it gives me. It’s a kink of mine that gets me the horniest. However, I’ve been in a relationship for five years now, and even though my partner knows how much I crave and enjoy it, we have only done it together a handful of times. What are some ways I could help my partner get more comfortable when the opportunity arises without feeling like I’m forcing him into a situation that isn’t enjoyable for the both of us?
The answer: It’s refreshing to see someone asking how to get more of what they want while being equally mindful of their partner’s experience. I have good news for you: I think there is a world where you and your partner can enjoy public sex (or some variation of it) together.
Now, of course, a man of my stature would never recommend public sex; it’s illegal, after all! I am merely creating a record of what a hypothetical person might hypothetically do if they were hypothetically interested in such a thing, hypothetically.
In order to craft a public sex scenario that feels safe and fun for both of you, you’re going to have to express to your partner exactly how much public sex turns you on, and why. You’re also going to have to ask your partner which elements of public sex turn them off, and whether there are any aspects they don’t mind so much—or that they even enjoy.
The next time you two are chilling together—not when you’re about to have sex, because that’ll add too much pressure—go ahead and ask your partner, “Hey! Can I talk to you about our sex life?” If they say they’re in a good headspace to discuss it, share something like, “So, you’ve probably figured out that I really love public sex. I like it because [share the things that turn you on about it]. Does any part of public sex turn you on? I’d really like to see if there’s a way we can have some form of public or semi-public play.”
Then, listen and problem solve. There are lots of middle grounds. Perhaps your partner is into the idea of exhibitionism, but can’t enjoy public sex because they’re worried about getting caught. If that’s the case, you two could play together at a sex club, so it’s “public” in that people are watching you having sex in a new environment, but there’s no risk of getting caught or arrested. Maybe your partner doesn’t like doing it outside, but is comfortable with the two of you having sex in a locked bathroom at a house party. (Just don’t be jerks and fuck in there for 20 minutes. People are waiting in line to pee!) Or perhaps you set up a public web cam on a site like Chaturbate (link NSFW); you two can wear masks for anonymity and get turned on knowing that folks are watching (and jacking) to you on the other side of the camera.
The point is, there are lots of ways to tap into the thrill you get from public sex. Get creative! Think outside the box!
That said, you may never get your partner comfortable with the idea, and that’s something you’re going to have to accept. You can’t force anyone to do a sex thing they’re not down with. However, if that ends up being the case, you don’t have to accept a life with no public sex, if it’s something you feel like you absolutely need. When I showed your question to Megan Fleming, Ph.D., a sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney, she said you could always consider an open relationship if you don’t want to ditch public sex forever.
“Is this something that [your] partner is comfortable for [you] to explore on [your] own even though [you]’d prefer to do it together?” she asked.
While I think many sex experts are a little too quick to suggest opening up a relationship, in your case, I support the idea. You have this particular kink that’s very, very important to you, judging by your letter. If your partner has no interest, it’s fair to see if you can get your needs met by other people. Open relationships and other forms of ethical non-monogamy are becoming more mainstream, FYI.
Whichever road you decide to pursue, I hope you can find a solution that makes both of you happy.
This article was originally published on menshealth.com.