I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
I’ve been a bottom my entire life. My partner of 30 years has had prostate surgery and can’t get hard anymore. He hates sex toys and now wants me to start topping him. How do I switch my mindset from being a bottom to a top? I’ve topped before, but it was a long time ago. Help.
—Aspiring Top
Dear Aspiring Top,
As someone who also loves to get railed, what a bummer! Let’s quickly mourn your power bottom status that’s spanned three decades. Now that we’ve poured one out, let’s get to your next steps: You’re acting like the only solution to your partner not being able to bone you anymore is for you to bone him. That is an option, and yes, I can help you re-ignite your inner Dominant, but I first want to remind you that there is so much more to queer sex than an erect penis inside a tight anus.
You sound a little stressed in your letter. I want you to reframe your thinking so you see this as an exciting opportunity to explore new sexual activities with your man, because, to be frank, it seems like you had a very limiting view of sex. Blowjobs are great. Eating ass is great. Fingering each other’s booties is great. Some light choking with a lubed-up handjob is a gift from the horny gods themselves. When’s the last time you guys had a passionate middle school-style make-out session? Bring that back!
I showed your question to Bobby Box, certified sex educator and Arcwave expert, and he mentioned that you could use this as an opportunity to explore kinks together. “If you find something that clicks, it could lead to some of the richest and deepest forms of intimacy you’ve ever experienced together,” he says. “Additionally, there are many kinks that don’t require a ‘top’ or ‘bottom’ but lean more into dominant and submissive roles, which you could have some fun exploring without the pressure of either of you having to physically top.”
Exploring your dominant side could also be a way to help “switch your mindset,” as you say, from being a bottom to a top. I recommend dirty talk to activate your dom-top mentality. Think about what would turn you on. Does calling him names make you feel dominant? Does barking out commands (i.e., bend over, lick my toe, suck my dick) help switch your mindset? Once you have a better sense of what you’d be into, ask your partner what they like being called and what would turn them on.
Then, how about tying your partner up? Spanking? Water-sports? I’m just spit-balling here. The point is to get creative and try new things until something turns the hell out of you both. I also heavily recommend you read this article.
Last but certainly not least, I’m going to need you to question your partner on his hatred for sex toys because that’s kinda bullshit. Does he know that sex toys have come a long way in 30 years? It seems like you haven’t used any in your time together, and I can safely say that sex toys in 2022 are far more advanced than toys in the early ’90s.
So I want you to ask your partner why he abhors these devices that were specifically designed to arouse, excite, and pleasure. Does he really hate them, or is he threatened by them? Does he think that “real” men shouldn’t need to use sex toys because that somehow implies a deficiency or that his penis isn’t enough? Did he try one half a lifetime ago, thought it was meh, and never tried one since?
Let’s get to the root of his loathing, address the problem, and from there, encourage him to try a sex toy with an open mind! And don’t forget just because hehates sex toys doesn’t mean you can’t use them on yourself. You can easily have a vibrating butt plug in your rear end while you top your partner. This will enhance pleasure and perhaps make you feel more comfortable and aroused since you’re used to prostate stimulation when you have sex. You can also wear a cock ring, which may help you stay erect.
Aspiring Top, I know all of this can sound intimidating. Surely, you didn’t imagine you’d end up in a relationship where you would feel pressured to top—but I really want you to see this as an opportunity. Your sex life has the potential now to be better than it’s ever been before. Yes, it will take some time. You two may have to explore a range of sexual activities (and toys) before finding something pleasurable for you both, but that’s okay! Enjoy the process, laugh, and have some fun!
