And intimacy is, in turn, a common prerequisite for getting it on. “In general, men tend to get an emotional connection through sex, but women need to get an emotional connection to want sex,” Orbuch says.
Adds Dr Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First, “Words can be a powerful aphrodisiac and often aren’t used enough.”
What you tell your bed buddy has the power to crank up her arousal, confidence, and make sex even more amazing for the both of you. But before we get into specifics, here are a couple general pointers:
1. Be genuine: You’ve got to mean what you say – and not just because that’s the gentlemanly thing to do. Your body language always tells the truth, and if it isn’t in-sync with your words, she’s going to call your bluff, says Orbuch.
Since women are superior to men at picking up on these things, your chances of successfully faking sincerity are grim, she says.
2. Be specific: It makes you sound more thoughtful, and shows her you’ve noticed something special in her, Orbuch says. It’s the difference between “You look beautiful” and “Your eyes are beautiful.”
3. Get to the point: You don’t have to be a chatterbox to talk your partner off, says Dr Rachel Needle, a psychologist with the Centre for Marital and Sexual Health. Keep things short and sweet. No rambling.
Now that we got that out of the way, here are some one-liners you should spout off during your next romp:
“Your hair looks great that way.”
While any physical compliment can make her feel attractive, focusing on something you know she’s put a lot of effort into tells her you’re paying attention and that you appreciate her efforts, says sex therapist Eric Marlowe Garrison, author of Mastering Multiple Position Sex.
“I love how passionately you kiss.”
It’s important for women to know you like kissing them – and not just, you know, boinking – says Garrison. When you compliment her kisses, focus exactly what you like about them, he says. Just steer clear of “you’re a good kisser”: It can unwittingly make her think of the other lips you’ve encountered.
“I feel so good when I’m with you.”
You don’t have to talk dirty to turn her on,” says Dr Ava Cadell, a Los Angeles-based sexologist. “Letting her know that she makes a difference in your life makes her feel significant, special, and sensual,” she says. “This is an intimate form of expression that women long for and when they get it, they want to reciprocate with more sex.”
“I can’t wait to be inside you.”
While you probably shouldn’t whip this one out on the third date, it’s great for foreplay – in person or via text – between established partners. “These words are more detailed than they let off. They convey that you’re fantasising about the sensations, the heat, the moisture . . . exactly what it feels like inside of her,” Needle says.
“I love your…”
“She wants to know you’re with her and not off in some fantasy of having sex with that hot yoga instructor at the gym,” says Dr Paul Hokemeyer, a Manhattan-based marriage therapist.
So give your favourite part of her body major props. When talking about that part – be it her breasts, stomach, or butt – gently caress and look at it, Kerner recommends. It will make her swoon.
“I love the way you taste.”
Just like how you worry about your own endowment, she’s concerned about what you’ll think of her private parts, says Cadell.
Spouting off “I” statements (instead of “you” phrases, like “you taste great”), makes the compliment about not just her, but how you feel about her, Garrison says.
Moan it up. As much as you like to make her scream, she likes to hear you get into it, too, Garrison says.
“You look so hot in that position.”
During sex, women can spend a lot of time “spectatoring,” focusing on the activities from a bird’s-eye view, Needle says. So she’s probably already considered how she must look with her legs like that.
Letting her know you love the view can help assuage her fears. “The more comfortable she feels in her own skin and the more attractive she feels, the hotter the sex is going to be,” Kerner says.
Short and simple, this one is perfect for when you’ve just collapsed on her and your brain’s a blur, Needle says.
It works when she gets you any other kind of gift, right? “Sex is the most precious gift a woman can give a man, so say thank you,” advises Cadell. Show some appreciation, and that you don’t just consider sex a given.
“I could just lie here with you forever.”
Yeah, it sounds like a lyric from that cheesy Aerosmith song. But in response to orgasm, her body pumps out the powerful bonding chemical oxytocin (appropriately nicknamed the “cuddle hormone”), which means she’s craving intimacy, trust, and safety, Kerner says.
“Let her know you relish your connection and are in no hurry to get on with your life,” Hokemeyer says.
“I loved it when you…”
This line isn’t just a compliment – it lets her know what you like, and what she should do again, says Garrison. And you can keep praising her skills hours or even days after having sex.
Who knows? It might even inspire another spur-of-the-moment sack session. In that case, be ready with these 5 Sex Positions Every Guy Must Try.