HAVE YOU EVER felt confused or lacking the confidence in knowing what actually feels good for a woman? If so, you are not alone. In fact, it’s the most common conversation I have with hetero men in the therapy room, whether they are single or in a relationship.
Sex ed taught us how to avoid STIs and pregnancy, but unfortunately it didn’t teach any of us how to have great sex. If you turned to porn for sex ed, then let me tell you that aggressive penetrative thrusting with the expectation that a partner will scream in ecstasy and have multiple orgasms is NOT how it works. Instead, the key to being a great lover and supporting pleasure and orgasms for women is in understanding the clitoris, the only organ in any body designed solely for pleasure!
The clitoris is like an iceberg, mostly below the surface
Talk of the clitoris has become more mainstream in recent years, so you may feel pretty confident knowing where the bulb is (and just in case you don’t, it’s at the top of the vulva, above the vaginal entrance and urethral opening and below the pubic bone). What many don’t know is that the clitoris is a wishbone shape. The external bulb is just the tip of the iceberg, with clitoral legs called bulbs and crus that ‘hug’ the walls of the vagina from the inside. What you might know as the g-spot is actually part of the internal structure of the clitoris. The more aroused a woman is, the more the clitoris can be stimulated and pleasure can be felt through the walls of the vagina.
The more aroused they are, the ‘tighter’ they will feel
The penis and clitoris, while different, both essentially work the same way. During arousal through both mental and physical stimulation, blood flows to your penis and their clitoris, resulting in an ‘erection’ of the organs; a clitoral ‘wide-on’ as the equivalent of your hard-on. The more erect the clitoris is, the more the internal bulbs of the clitoris swell and push against the walls of the vagina, creating a tighter feeling during penetration.
It’s important to note here that the term ‘loose’ has historically been used as a way of slut-shaming women, and ‘tightness’ has been inaccurately used to refer to young, virginal women. What is actually true is the more ‘erect’ the clitoris is through arousal and pleasurable stimulation, the ‘tighter’ the vagina can feel. This means that your partner being aroused and enjoying the sexual experience plays a bigger part in ‘tightness’ than how many times they’ve had sex. A win-win for all involved because their arousal and ‘erection’ increases sensitivity and pleasure for both of you!
Would you leave the penis out of sex? if not, then don’t leave out the clitoris
Quick biology lesson; all our genitals start off as the same thing, called genital tubercle, and depending on the fetus having XX (female) or XY (male) chromosomes, this develops into either the penis or the clitoris. You read that right, the penis and the clitoris are the same organ in the early stages of fetal development! Because of this, not including the clitoris in sexual activities is the equivalent to trying to have sex without including your penis. If we look at the broader definition of sex then it’s certainly possible, but I can’t imagine you’ve had too many of those types of sexual experiences.
Knowing that the clitoris is as important in a sexual experience as the penis, it probably makes sense for you to know that less than 20% of women can reliably experience orgasm from penetrative stimulation alone, with 82% needing external clitoral stimulation, or a combination of both penetration and external clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm.
The clitoris is the key, but communication is lubrication
I hope you feel convinced that the clitoris is essential to great sex for women and ready to incorporate it in all sexual experiences moving forward, it’s worth clarifying that the pressure, speed and type of stimulation your last partner loved may not be what feels best for the next person you sleep with. Some love feather-soft touches around the clitoral bulb without directly touching it, some more firm and direct touch, and others can’t go past a clitoral suction toy like something from the Womanizer range! Because of this, communication is lubrication! Be curious, check in, and pay attention to body language, breath and sounds! Ask questions like ‘how do you like to be touched?’ and ‘what could make this feel even better for you?’, and be receptive to change your style to support their pleasure, it will be worth it!
