Asking For A Mate: Chantelle Otten on Orgasms

Asking for a mate: with Chantelle Otten

Each month, Men’s Health’s sex and relationship’s panellist Chantelle Otten assists you (or your mate!) with your most private and pressing bedroom concerns. This month: what to do if you're struggling to bring your partner to orgasm

“Dear Chantelle,

My partner never orgasms during sex. I want to please them. How can I get them off too?”

Addressing concerns about a partner not reaching orgasm during sex can be complex, particularly for penis owners. It’s essential to approach this topic with empathy, patience, and a willingness to explore solutions together. Here’s how you can work towards ensuring both you and your partner find sexual encounters satisfying and fulfilling.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – open communication is the foundation of a healthy sexual relationship. Initiating an honest dialogue about desires, fantasies, and pleasure points can open up new ideas for intimacy. It’s vital for your partner to feel safe expressing their needs without fear of judgement or criticism. This exchange of thoughts can reveal insights into what both of you might be missing or what could enhance your sexual experiences.

Exploration plays a significant role in sexual satisfaction. Every person’s body is a map with its unique set of erogenous zones and pleasure points. Dedicate time to discover these through varied touches, pressures, and techniques. Remember, the goal is to enjoy the process of discovery, not just to reach an end.

Foreplay is also an interesting word to me because it’s like ‘the play before the act’. I think foreplay is the main act and should never be overlooked. Foreplay is much more than just a warm-up; it’s a vital part of the sexual experience that sets the stage for intimacy and can make orgasms more accessible. It starts right after your last sexual encounter, weaving through your day with flirtatious gestures, affectionate touches, and suggestive chats, extending the excitement beyond the bedroom.

This ongoing intimacy isn’t just about building physical arousal; it fosters a deeper, emotional bond between partners. Engaging in extended kissing, touching, and caressing, coupled with flirty or thoughtful texts shared throughout the day, not only primes the body for sexual activity but also enhances the emotional connection, paving the way for a satisfying sexual experience for both partners. Embracing both immediate and extended forms of foreplay, elevates sexual pleasure, making the build-up to your next sexual encounter as important as the act itself.

For many with vulvas, clitoral stimulation is essential for reaching orgasm. Incorporating techniques that focus on this area – be it through manual stimulation, oral sex, or the use of sex toys designed for clitoral pleasure – can significantly alter the sexual experience, making it more satisfying and enjoyable. And it also takes about 20-25 mins for a vulva owner to climax with a partner, so take your time! Have fun and build the arousal. Incorporate mouth, fingers and toys.

Experimentation with different techniques that involve clitoral play can also be beneficial. Certain positions may offer deeper penetration, better clitoral stimulation, or simply more comfort, enhancing the overall sexual encounter. It’s about finding what works best for you and your partner and leveraging those positions for maximum pleasure.

Focusing on pleasure rather than performance is another critical aspect. By shifting the goal from reaching orgasm to enjoying the intimacy and connection of the moment, you alleviate performance pressure. This approach allows both partners to take pleasure in the shared experience, making sex more enjoyable and less goal-oriented.

Mutual masturbation, e.g. you and your partner showing each other how you like to be touched, provides a unique opportunity to deepen your understanding of each other’s bodies and desires. It’s an intimate act that can be both arousing and educational, offering insights into how your partner likes to be touched and what turns them on.

Introducing fantasy and role play can bring an exciting dimension to your sexual relationship. Exploring each other’s fantasies not only enhances understanding but also adds a layer of novelty and excitement to your encounters, potentially making them more fulfilling.

If challenges are still happening after trying some different strategies, seeking professional help from a sex therapist or healthcare professional might be necessary. They can provide tailored advice and strategies, offering a pathway to overcome obstacles and improve your sexual relationship.

Ultimately, achieving sexual satisfaction is a journey shared between partners, requiring open communication, mutual respect, and an adventurous spirit to explore and understand each other’s desires fully.

Here are a couple of practical tips you can try to enhance the exploration of pleasure and intimacy with your partner:

1 Introduce a ‘pleasure pause’ into your intimate encounters. This involves taking intentional breaks during sex to communicate and touch each other in non-genital-focused ways. It can help build anticipation, allow for a check-in on desires and comfort, and refocus on the connection rather than the orgasm.

2 Try incorporating a ‘sensation exploration’ evening where the focus is solely on exploring and describing sensations without the goal of orgasm. Use different textures, temperatures (ice or warm cloths), and pressures to discover what each of you enjoys. This can open up new pathways to pleasure that you might not have considered before.

Lastly, patience and perseverance are key. Exploring sexual satisfaction is a process that involves trial and error, vulnerability, and ongoing dialogue. Celebrate the successes, learn from the experiences that don’t go as planned, and continue to support each other in your journey towards a fulfilling sexual relationship.

Remember, the ultimate goal is not just about achieving orgasm but about building a deeper, more satisfying connection with your partner. Through open communication, exploration, and mutual support, you can navigate this challenge together and discover new dimensions of pleasure and intimacy in your relationship.


Asking for a mate . . . with Chantelle Otten

Asking for a mate . . . with Chantelle Otten


By Chantelle Otten

Award-winning ‘psycho-sexologist’, renowned sex therapist and published author, Chantelle Otten is our new resident sex expert. As the Director of the Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine, Otten knows the ins and outs of what goes on in Aussie bedrooms. Otten has a passion for empowering people, and with her guidance, you’ll learn everything there is to know about sexual health, and of course, the secrets to better sex.

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