This is a topic that comes up for me time and time again from my patients at work. And it’s super common! Not everyone can orgasm, Research suggests that 5 to 10 percent of women have never experienced an orgasm, and about 16 percent of women are unsure or have not had an orgasm by age 28. It’s hard to tell from this research how many respondents were not able to have an orgasm under any circumstance or just had not done enough exploration to find the right way to orgasm for their body.
Getting an orgasm is like riding a bike, and sometimes when we are learning how to do something, we put too much pressure on ourselves. We focus so much on the destination that we don’t learn to enjoy the journey. Some people are naturally able to ride a bike quickly and easily, and some people have to relax and learn how to do so with time. Just remember: there is no rush.
I speak further about how to find an orgasm in my book ‘The Sex Ed You Never Had’.
‘My girlfriend has never come while having sex with me. Is that normal? What can I do to change this?’
Many vulva owners can orgasm by themselves, but struggle with a partner. This is because of a few things.
Firstly, one of the problems with difficulty with orgasm is the fact that we are shown through media and cultural representation that ‘real sex’ is penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex and other types of sex are foreplay. First of all, this is problematic because it rules out a huge part of the LGBTQIA+ community as well as people with certain disabilities, those who experience painful sex, and sufferers of erectile dysfunction.
Look, the penis is nowhere near the clitoris, and the clitoris is a key player in achieving orgasm. So penetration alone will be challenging for vulva owners to reach orgasm.
Next, there is not enough time spent on the clitoris. 5 minutes of play usually doesn’t cut it, you need at least 25 minutes of great clitoral stimulation to climax! So communicate with each other about this, and what feels good. Eliminate any pressures you have on each other to reach orgasm, and aim for pleasure instead!
‘Should I use sex toys?’
Yes, you should! Countless sexual wellness brands liberate sexual pleasure, such as Lovehoney, offer products that provide new and different types of sensations and fun for solo or partnered sex. Sex toys have been a game-changer in ensuring that vulva owners also experience pleasure—because, let’s face it, vulva owners often get neglected. And there are just some things that a penis or fingers or mouth cannot do (like vibrate, lol!).
In the world that we live in we are busy, swamped, on the run, and we have lots of responsibilities. Sometimes those responsibilities leave us with just enough energy to have sex, but we don’t have enough energy to be super creative in the bedroom. To remedy this, I propose adding fun products to your sex life.
You can start with solo sex first before adding them to partnered play. Every time you and your sexual partner get down and dirty, you might start having sex the same way. To mix it up, every second or third time you can try something a little bit different and introduce a toy! This way you will be adding another thing to your sexual menu (bellissimo!) and adding some spice to your erotic episodes. And I mean, what’s the worst thing that can happen if you’re adding in a new toy? That you love it? That you won’t like it? If you don’t, that’s fine! Don’t use it again. Play is such an easy way for you to bring some variety.
‘What tips could help me in the bedroom?’
My top tips:
- Be curious about the other person, and change up your sexual menu. You don’t want to have sex the same way each time! You will get bored… It’s kind of like eating the same meal each time you go out for dinner. It’s nice, but predictable. Add in different restaurants, cuisines and spices.
- You don’t have to rush straight for the genitals. In fact, I encourage you to move away from rushing towards your usual sexual position and take a step back towards being sensual. Sensual touch is an important part of eroticism. Take your time with your own body or the body of your lover. Don’t move straight to the genitals. Sensual touch can help you connect with yourself and your erotic partner—it helps in giving and receiving affection and being present in the erotic experience.
- Play music when enjoying erotic activities. You can just really zone in on the moment and not worry about the amount of time it’s taking.
You can find more tips in my book!
Chantelle Otten’s book The Sex Ed You Never Had is out now through Allen & Unwin, available here and at all good book retailers.