Sex is great. Obviously. But sometimes, either when trying something new or when caught up in the moment, it can get embarrassing—or worse, you can get hurt. In a thread on Reddit, women have been sharing the things guys do during sex that can end up killing the mood… and there are a couple of commonly cited offenders.
For instance, finding the clitoris is only half of the equation: turns out some men need to work on their technique once they’re down there. A definite not-to-do: “Treating the clit like they’re scrubbing a pan clean.”
As one woman explains: “Rubbing in between the vagina and clit up and down (rubbing against the urethra), you’re giving me cystitis and it doesn’t feel good.” There’s a lot of misinformation floating around out there pertaining to female anatomy.
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“Never take porn as truth,” says another commenter. This is sage advice; assuming that your partner is into everything you’ve seen online, and is even physically capable of doing all that stuff, might lead to disappointment. Porn also often skips right over foreplay-and-lube portion of events, which are pretty crucial. Skipping these steps can be downright painful.
Another woman expresses frustration “when I tell them to keep going and I like it and they start to speed up or change their tempo… I liked it the way it was before.” She’s not alone. “If I moan, that doesn’t mean to switch into rabbit fuck mode,” states another commenter. “Stay the course mother fucker.”
This complaint isn’t just about pace, but about knowing whether or not partners are cognisant of each other’s verbal and non-verbal cues. Communicating your own needs and responding to the needs of your partner is the key to great sex.
“Be honest with yourself as to what you like and need,” says one commenter, recalling how a previous partner would get in his head about what he thought he should be doing. “Was with a guy who NEEDED to finish by hand, but desperately didn’t want it to be that way. He would just keep going until it started to hurt me, and then feel ashamed. I have no problem you taking matters into your own hands while I help in other ways!”
On that note, another woman’s advice to guys when it comes to the bedroom is to simply stop overthinking it. “Dude, it’s not always going to be seeing stars and shit,” she says. “Sometimes, it’s a 10-minute stress releaser and that’s fine.”
This article originally appeared on Men’s Health