Ask the MH girls the questions you can’t ask anyone else. They’re three women who speak their mind, so don’t expect sugar-coated answers. Today they’re asked: “My new girlfriend keeps bringing up stuff from her sexual past, which I have no interest in. It seems like she expects me to talk about my past too, but I’m not comfortable with that and feel it couldn’t lead anywhere good. What’s my move?” –BK
Nik: Hmm, this is an interesting one.
Becky: You’re just going to have to say your piece, BK. If you don’t want to go into the ins and outs of your sexual history, tell her that. It’s a perfectly reasonable position.
Nik: Yep, I would sit down with her and explain that you don’t want to hear about her past exploits – and why you’d rather not go into any detail
Jess: Relationships aren’t a confessional. It’s up to both of you to respect the boundaries around what the other party is happy to share. My view: the past is the past. And it seems a little weird that she’s so intent on wheedling this information out of you. Like you, I can’t see how any of it will help the relationship. But I can see how it could hurt it.
Nik: If she’s perceiving your reluctance to spill on that stuff as a lack of trust, that would be strange too. I wouldn’t put sexual history on the list of things you’re obliged to share.
Becky: You’ve got to wonder why she keeps bringing it up. It would trigger an alarm or two for me around issues of control, jealousy and insecurity. And straight nosiness.
Nik: Maybe she just isn’t aware how uncomfortable it’s making you, BK. In which case, let her know in plain language.
Becky: Yeah, it could be that she’s oblivious, because the past – even when it involves a subject as fraught as sex – isn’t an uncomfortable topic for everyone. She might have absolutely no idea that you’re finding the whole business excruciating.