Sure, it might not be for everyone. But more women are in favor of rough, dominating, and submissive sex than against it. According to a study by the University of North Texas, 57 per cent of sexually active ladies are turned on by the idea of forceful sex.
“It all comes down to the fact that we want to be desired,” says Dr Claudia Six, sexologist, relationship coach and author of Erotic Integrity: How to Be True to Yourself Sexually. And that’s totally natural and integral to a healthy, satisfying sex life, says Six.
But what “rough sex” means to you depends a lot on your comfort level. From some, it could be as hardcore as slapping or bondage, says Dr Dawn Michael, certified sexuality counselor, clinical sexologist, and author of My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me. For others, it could be as minimal as trying a new position.
Here’s how to leave soft sex behind and turn up the heat just enough.
Do It with Someone You Trust
Rough sex is best with someone you’re in a relationship with or at least know well. “Aside from the safety perspective, you should feel comfortable enough to test out your true desires and fantasies with this person,” says Michael. But being single is no reason to deny yourself a gratifying ponytail pull. “I just wouldn’t advise doing it with a total stranger who doesn’t know you or your limitations,” she says.
Discuss Before Getting Down
Tell your partner in advance that you want to try something spicier in the sack before asking him to tie you up mid-romp. “Frame the conversation in a positive way right off the bat,” says Dr Grant Brenner, a board-certified psychiatrist in New York City and author of IRRELATIONSHIP: How We Use Dysfunctional Relationships to Hide from Intimacy. For example, tell your partner that you trust him and feel comfortable enough to share your fantasy with him. “Then, bring up the idea of rough sex in a way that doesn’t feel shameful.” It’s normal to be anxious about how your partner will respond, but try not to let embarrassment creep in, says Brenner.
Make a To-Do and a To-Don’t List
It’s important to go over some ground rules before busting out the handcuffs. This will help you both figure out what you’re comfortable doing – and don’t skimp on the details. “Be crystal clear about how rough you want your hair pulled or how hard and frequently you want to be spanked,” says Six. He wants to provide pleasure for you – so your job is to tell him how, says Six. Talk about the parts of rough sex that appeal to you, like being overpowered or having someone do forbidden things to you that you can’t prevent. And don’t forget to discuss whether you should play rough back or remain subservient.
Take It Slow
Start with a simple bondage technique to get a feel for what it’s like to submit to your partner. Grab a scarf or ribbon and have your partner tie you to the bed or a chair. Whatever you use, make sure it’s tight enough to restrict your movements. Next, have your partner blindfold you to heighten your sensations. Then have him use ice cubes, candle wax, a vibrator, or even his hand to stimulate your erogenous zones, says Six.
When You’re Ready, Speed Things Up
There’s no shame in asking him to turn up the dial on the roughness. If you’re not getting turned on, let him know. Guide him by saying things like, “harder” or “again,” says Six. If you’re looking for stronger physical stimulation, ask your partner to use something a little firmer like a paddle on the intimate areas of your body. Have him go from slow to fast and soft to hard, depending on how you’re feeling.
“Be crystal clear about how rough you want your hair pulled.”
Do What Comes Naturally
Besides getting consent and ensuring safety, there are no rules when it comes to rough sex. “Don’t be concerned about doing something how you might have seen it in porn,” says Six. You may reach your big O in record time or it might take longer than normal. The key is to enjoy each other.
Keep It Safe
The reality is that there’s no place for anger, frustration, or revenge in the bedroom – unless it’s part of a totally pretend fantasy. “It’s completely possible to keep a sense of spontaneity and excitement while checking in at appropriate moments to make sure both of you are comfortable with what’s happening,” says Brenner. “And if one person isn’t, it’s time to slow down and shift towards something that’ll work for both of you.”