There’s an old saying, “If you treated your wife the way you treated your hooker, you’d have the world’s strongest marriage.”
Haven’t heard that chestnut? Then you probably haven’t talked to enough prostitutes.
Yes, they say things like that. And they’re not kidding. They’ve got tales that’ll make you cringe, many of which involve some pretty freaky sexual requests. But many of their stories are shockingly … sweet.
The way many hookers talk about their clients makes the relationship, such as it is, sound almost like a marriage – a happy one at that.
“Melody”, an escort, estimates that 90 per cent of her clients are married. And while a man will certainly visit a prostitute for the chance to be with a naked woman who isn’t his wife, “Brianna”, a sex worker, says her job is “95 per cent emotional labour and 5 per cent sex.”
And that labour is a two-way street. Some married men try harder to please their prostitutes than they do the women they promised to love and honour as long as they both shall live.
We asked 10 high-end escorts – women who earn more per hour than many doctors – for a few valuable pointers that’ll guarantee you’ll never have to leave cash on a strange nightstand.
Always Ask For What You Want
When you pay for sex, there are no games. If you want something, you ask. “One guy wrote me a three-page letter explaining every detail about his fetish,” says “Heather”. There’s really not much mystery about what an escort will or won’t do. “It’s all there on my website,” Heather says. “No disgusting fetishes. No physical pain.”
Married people expect their mate to read their mind, says “Cecilia”. She can’t grasp why married guys aren’t more honest with their wives. “It’s weird,” Cecilia says. “You’ll make sure a Starbucks cashier knows exactly what you want. But you won’t tell your wife you like oral.”
The Experts Say
These prostitutes might be onto something, says Dr Michael Bennett, psychiatrist and coauthor of F*ck Feelings. Just don’t take their advice too literally.
You’re not paying your wife for sex, so you can’t walk into your bedroom tonight and make requests as if you’re picking options from a menu. But there is some value in talking about the things you want – sexually and otherwise – with a bit more openness and bluntness.
Take the emotion out of it, Bennett says. “Stay away from expressing your need for sex or your attitude that you deserve it.” Instead, talk about what you think has been lacking in the sack recently, without making it personal. “Tell her you want to know what gives her pleasure, and she should know what works for you, because it’s good for the relationship,” says Bennett.
Don’t Fight About Money
“Savannah” has never had a disagreement with a customer about money. “Some guys who come in here want to negotiate,” she says. “I always win. You don’t like the price? Get the hell out.”
She thinks all financial negotiations between men and women should happen this way. Things cost what they cost. You pay or you don’t. And if you don’t pay for it, you don’t get it.
The Experts Say
Squabbling over finances? You could be on the road to Splitsville, says Dr Sonya Britt of Kansas State University. Britt and her team analysed data from more than 4,500 couples and linked arguments over money with lower relationship satisfaction and a higher likelihood of divorce.
In fact, all that yelling about the bank account could play into extramarital relationships, Britt speculates. Which is kind of fitting. Fighting about money could lead you into the arms of a prostitute, with whom you never fight about money.
It all comes down to treating your wife with the same respect you’d have for a woman who’s charging you extra to tickle your balls.
Have Sex During Your Lunchbreak
Married men rarely visit prostitutes at night and never on weekends. That’s how sloppy clients get caught. Guys who want to be surreptitious do it when they’re supposed to be at work – that’s the perfect alibi.
“One of my regulars tells his assistant he’s going to the library,” says “Dakota”. “I think that makes it naughtier. You’re getting laid on company time.”
Remember when sex with your wife was like that? You two would sneak off and keep your filthy little secret from the world.
“The best sex feels like you’re getting away with something,” says ‘Deb’. “You need that sense that you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing.”
The Experts Say
Many married men visit hookers for the adrenaline rush they’ve lost at home. “The risk is exciting,” says Dr Wendy Fader, a psychologist and sex therapist. A date night, by contrast, comes with zero risk. The worst that can happen is the babysitter cancels.
So how do you revive that excitement? “Add an element of the unexpected,” says Fader. “You need a mental amphetamine, like trying things that make you uncomfortable.”
Is your date night usually on a weekend? Cancel it. Instead, ask her to rendezvous with you for a quickie during your lunch break. Book a hotel room and see what happens. Or if you have to do a weekend, wait until your in-laws are on their way over, and then see if you can master the complicated positions necessary to have car sex with her in your unlocked garage before they arrive.
Are you seriously doing this? Yep. You’re a bad man. It’s about time you remembered what that feels like again.
Never Offend Her Nostrils
Think the only thing prostitutes care about is dough? “The money is great, but I’ll give up the biggest payday if he smells like a dumpster,” says “Crystal”.
Escorts do talk to one another; that’s how they gauge a new client’s trustworthiness. But they don’t talk about who’s a big spender or who has an enormous schlong.
“None of that matters,” Crystal says. “The best recommendation you can get is if she says, ‘He shows up on time, and he’s clean.’ That’s like music to an escort’s ear: ‘Oh my god, he’s clean?’ ”
The Experts Say
It’s not that you don’t shower enough. You’re not a train hobo from the ’30s, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have body odour, and she might notice something you don’t.
“In general, women are more sensitive to odours than men are,” says Dr George Preti, of the Monell Chemical Senses Center. “A woman will notice an unpleasant smell before a man will. She may even notice something he can’t smell at all.”
Just because you can’t smell something doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
Accept The Grass Isn’t Greener
Every so often one of Savannah’s regulars goes through a horrifying transformation. “He gets that stupid look in his eyes,” she says, “and then he starts making little jokes about how we should run away together. And I’m
like, oh no, this poor bastard is catching the feelings.”
The problem isn’t the impracticality of it, even though we all know divorce is messy enough without adding a prostitute lover into the mix. And it isn’t even that the guy is confusing fiction like Pretty Woman with reality. The problem is that prostitutes are people too. And people get more annoying the more you’re exposed to them.
“They don’t know what I’m really like,” says “Brandy”. “It’s very easy to be on your best behaviour for an hour or two.”
The Experts Say
There’s nothing wrong with escape fantasies, says Fader. Even the most happily married couples daydream about getting out.
“That’s human nature,” she says. “But in a solid relationship, you might look at your coworker and think she seems really cool and hot and interesting. But then you keep your dick in your pants and you go home to your wife.”
Enjoy your fantasies. Imagine how wonderful it’d be to skip town with that mystery woman, create a new life, and start over. But don’t act on it. It’s the same reason you can have revenge fantasies but not actually poison your boss’s coffee. (Right?)
Be Selfish Sometimes
“Amber” prefers married clients because they seem happier. “One talks about his kids, how great his home life is,” she says. “He’s like, ‘I work hard, I provide for my family, so let me just have this one thing.’ ”
It sounds reasonable, until you remember his “one thing” is putting his dick inside another woman.
“I asked one married guy about it,” Amber says. “He said, ‘I’ve made a lot of sacrifices for my family. We moved to a city I don’t like. We got the house she wanted, near the perfect school for our son. I’ve done everything for them. I need something that’s just for me.’ ”
The Experts Say
Having a hobby that maybe your wife doesn’t know about or even approve of is cool – as long as it doesn’t result in gonorrhea.
“I call it enlightened selfishness,” says therapist Diana Wiley. “It’s about taking care of yourself first. On planes they even advise securing your own oxygen mask first before helping your child.”
In essence, Amber’s married client had the right idea. It’s okay to be selfish. “When we feel energised, without resentments, this flows into the primary relationship,” says Wiley.
Treat yourself to something special – knock off work earlier and go to a movie, for instance – and don’t tell your wife. It could be anything, as long as it doesn’t involve your penis making contact with a person who isn’t your spouse.